My birthday is on the 18th of November. I used to always want something for my birthday. When I couldn’t think of something, I would get disappointed because I would get things I didn’t want. Don’t get me wrong I was happy, I always liked what I got. My mother doesn’t understand me well but she gets my taste. At least, she got the concept of having an artsy daughter that enjoys doc martens and the color green. Being able to make a shop out of the keywords that are used to describe someone doesn’t mean you know them. “To be known is to be loved”. I am not so sure. I can feel the research people put into giving me something. Oh well I guess she likes reading, she likes movies, and oh well I guess she likes dressing like she is in an old english boarding school. I always had a bitter taste in my mouth when people tried to describe me. Also I personally don’t give a fuck about looking like this, or having this or that or that people think I look smart or academic or artsy. I used to, though. So much. But then people would describe me and I realized that’s not what I wanted.
All that to say, my birthday is soon and I don’t know what I want. Not that anyone asked. My family is on a different side of the planet and I don’t have many friends here. Still I have money in my pocket and free will so not wanting something doesn’t feel right. I have things I could want, I guess. I could want sticky notes that actually stick to my wall. I could want a computer that doesn’t have an asthma attack every time I use it (apparently it has something to do with the battery, not that I feel the urge to take care of that). I guess I could want cake or a cup of tea or people to smile at me and make me feel special. That is a reason why I used to love my birthday, I’m pretty sure. Feeling special. I would get gifts, my mom would wake me up and I would have a fun breakfast. The teacher would tell the class it’s my birthday and kids who have laid an eye on me before would finally do so for a few seconds. I would always wear a nice outfit for the occasion. A skirt or little dress. I could wear a dress this year, though I’m in college and I don’t really give importance to whether or not people notice me. God, what a bore I am ! I feel like I should want something.
What would you want if you knew that all you might have is a few texts or calls from people? What would you give yourself ? What would you do if you knew that your birthday was on a wednesday and you don’t have classes on a wednesday ? Where would you want to go ?
Most people told me that since I am turning 21 in the United-States-of-God-Bless-America, I “need” to get drunk. Except I have been able to get drunk european style since I was 18 at home and I know how that goes for me. I talk to a lot of people then I try to make myself believe I enjoy the music then I try to make out with someone then I realize that to do so I have to, well…to go and actually make out with a stranger then somehow I find my way home, usually in quite a good mood, meditating on how my mouth feels a bit numb and funny and I end up the night wondering how come I never figure out how to make out with someone. Now that’s one way to spend your evening but I wouldn’t call that a “need”…or a want.
I guess I could want that if the make out thing works out. I can see you look at me and say “great ! If you want that then do that !” with an enthusiastic smile on your face finally able to find some closure in all my blabbering. It’s harder than you think. I promise. I always want new things to happen to me and I could see myself to that like I do everything else. Like jumping off a cliff, it’s scary but one day you just do it. Well I mean if you are not chronically anxious like me, that might sound a bit extreme. But in my case that’s how it works, I talk about the cliff for a long time, I think, I worry, I blabber and then one day, I just jump. That’s a very bad metaphor and I sincerely apologize for it but I don’t really enjoy editing especially when I don’t know where I’m going.
I think what I want is a new feeling that the one I just described. I don’t want to continue to jump off cliffs until eventually I get used to it. I want to walk towards someone. No cliff. To talk to them. Enjoy it (that’s a big one). Get close to them. Them getting close to me. Still no cliff. And kiss them. Or maybe first they could give me sticky notes that stick, I don’t care. I would want the sticky notes. I guess that’s it, I want to want someone and then I would want everything they give me the same way I want them. And it wouldn’t be scary. It’s stupid and you might think that between me dressing cute for my classmates to look at me and me being in college, it would have happened. It did happen but not really the way I wanted to. Not at a time where I knew how to want that. Now I think I know. It’s just hard to know that you want something that you can’t just buy for yourself. Especially in this economy. Capitalism is wearing off, if I’m honest.
To be 20 and lonely and maybe a tiny tiny bit depressed and to not want anything besides a real connection with someone is not easy. I don’t know, I could have wanted shoes ! But fuck it, I really don’t want shoes.
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